Thursday, October 14, 2010

One foot in front of the other

I did not feel good yesterday.  I was either asleep, or trying to sleep.  I think most of my problem was a headache that would hit every time I stood up.  I had a lot of dizziness as well.  And some nausea.
   I had a good nights sleep and thought today would be better.  I woke up feeling about the same.  So earlier today I called Dr. V and told her how I was feeling.  She said I was dehydrated as well as suffering some some side effects from the spinal tap as well as the chemo that was give to me during the spinal tap.
  She had come down to get some IV fluids and also some anti nausea medication.  I was sitting in the "chemo" department.  I've walked by it several times of the last couple of years.  But for some reason I never really pictured myself there.
  When I found out I was going in to have IV fluids, I put some lidocaine on my skin where the port is.  I figured if anything it would take the edge off.  But I was very pleasantly surprised when the nurse said "take a deep breath while I put the needle in", and then she said "OK, I'm done".  I felt nothing.  NOTHING.  Not even pressure.  I was so glad about that.
  Then Dr. V. came over to talk with Larry and I.  She said they received some info back on the lymph node biopsy and it looks like my slow growing lymphoma has transformed into a more aggressive lymphoma.  Because of that, she wants to change my chemo to a more aggressive chemo and start first thing Monday morning.  I will be getting R-CHOP chemo.  She said she expected the cancer to respond to this, and we're looking for a full remission.  I will have chemo once every 3 weeks for 6 cycles.
    Again, this is one of the times, I just put one put in front of the other and move forward.  I will go in tomorrow for more IV fluids, some anti nausea meds and also an echo test of my heart.
        I had a wonderful opportunity to have my Stake President come by my home tonight and give me a Priesthood blessing.  It was such a wonderful way for me to feel uplifted and strengthened.  It was a strong reminder of something I already knew; Heavenly Father is in charge.  But He is also with me.  He would not leave me alone to go through this, just as I would never have one of my children go through something like this without being by their side, holding their hand.  A parent's love is so unbelievableably strong, and can only compare in such a small way with the love our Father in Heaven has for each of us.  This is how I know I'm in good hands.  I have no doubt.
    I think, when you are the one going through something like this, there is an element of guilt that goes right along with it.  Guilt that I can't take care of my family like I would like.  Guilt that I have to ask so much of others.  Guilt that I'm not letting people help me.  But hearing the words in my blessing and in my husbands blessing confirmed to me that those around me are given the strength they need.  I really needed to hear that, because I've already decided I'm going to fight like h - e - double hockey sticks.  But I need to know that those around me are going to be OK.  I've been telling those around me "I'll be the brave one, you be the strong one".

If this cancer thought it was going to get the best of me...well. it's got another thing coming.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe in the tender mercies of God.  I believe in miracles.  


  1. Your determination continues to shine through, Jen. Hang onto that and the promised blessings. One of the things I tell myself is similar to what you are saying: "I may have cancer but cancer does not have me!"
    You certainly hit the guilt complex on the head. So true. We love our Bensons!

  2. Jen, you are so strong!! I am loving that I can help you whenever.... (remind me to tell you that story) :) Seriously you are an inspiration!

  3. You are in our prayers. I believe in miracles too! Thank you for your beautiful example!

  4. I do believe in miracles, and I believe in you!!!

  5. Jen, good luck! Please let Connor and I know if there is anything that we can do! I know of a product that can help with nausea. It is non medicine called PrimaBella Band. It is like a sea sick band, but instead of just pressure it sends out impulses on your median nerve. I'll send the link. I don't know if it will work for you but I know how miserable nausea is and this helped me!! I know it says it is for use during pregnancy but if you could use it now and it would help that would be great! Here is the link! TTYS Love you!!!