Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Being brave does not mean you're not scared!

A week ago when I had my appt with Dr. V, she mentioned that my whole family would need a flu shot right away (including me).  She said that once I start chemotherapy I need to be very careful about being around anyone sick.  The flu shot would help eliminate some of that sickness in the future.
  As soon as she said that I thought of my kids.  To say they are terrified of shots would be an understatement.  But Larry and I sat them down and told them we would be having a "family shot day".  The reaction was not exactly jumping up and down with glee.  But when he explained that it was for mom, so I would not get sick in the future, they were immediately on board.  They put their bravest faces on and said they would do it, no problem.
  Well, tonight was the night.  We all piled in the car and headed to Dr. Gao's (my family practice dr) office.  First Larry and Lauren and Josh went in together.  I stayed out with Hope because we didn't want her to see the "fun" that would be coming soon.  Sitting out in the waiting room I heard Josh start to cry a little.  I felt bad because I knew he was scared.  But then, I heard with start to laugh / cry with relief because it was over.  
When they came out, I went back for my shot.  Lauren and Josh came back with me for support.  Then it was Hope's turn.  Larry brought her in and I told her she would feel a little pinch in her leg (I hate those big surprises, I would rather know it's coming).  She, of course, screamed and was super ticked as she got poked.  As soon as it was over I said to her, let's go to the ice-cream shop and get an ice-cream cone.  And that's all it took.  Tears were over, and she was excitedly telling her brother and sister the good news.  
  We took them over to Enstrom's and got an ice-cream cone.  As we ate,  Josh said he felt bad that he was not brave.  Larry quickly explained to him that being brave does not mean your not scared.  Being brave is when you're scared, but you do it anyways.   
  I know I don't feel real brave right now.  Especially knowing (or not knowing) what's in my near future.  I was scared to death of the port surgery, but I did it.  I don't know that I felt brave after, as much as pure relief it was over.  I can't wait to feel that relief in a few months when Dr. V tells me my cancer has shrunk.  
  I'm truly thankful for the sweet comments, and for all the love and support.  I think having all the thoughts and prayers..that's what makes me feel brave!  Thank you! ♥ ♥ ♥


  1. You Bensons are all incredibly brave. You are so smart to include the children in what is going on, rather than trying to "shield them" from the experience. These will be unforgettable days for everyone who loves you, so it is wonderful that you will all be able to remember this as a time that you worked together as a family.
    I am envious of your purple heart. I didn't get to see mine before implantation, so I guess its just plain old round. :>)

  2. I love Larry's comments about being brave meaning you do something even if you're scared. May God continue to bless you as you move forward. And I hope you get many more years to make memories with your family.