I woke up this morning with a bad headache. I've also had a pain in the back of my neck for a couple of weeks. This morning at 4am I woke up and worried that the cancer was back and that is what was causing the headache / pain (you know how unreasonable things are in the middle of the night?)
It is completely unreasonable that my cancer is back since I'm still right in the middle of chemotherapy, and I have a PET scan showing complete remission. But for some reason, I think it will be a while before every ache and pain I feel will send my thoughts to "worse case scenario" and I will have to talk myself back to reason.
I think when you've had something (like cancer) or some other form of illness, or trial for that matter, it's completely natural to have fear. But here's what I know:
"Faith and Fear Cannot Coexist.
One gives way to the other."
So my personal goal as I continue to go through this hard time in my life is to Choose faith!
Faith that my Heavenly Father is watching over me, and I will be OK no matter what.
So, this morning I had 2 appt's at Huntsman. The first was a history and physical, and the second was a BMT consult. Both appointments ended up being a little redundant. They were both basically going over things that had already been discussed in previous appointments. But what I did learn is how careful they are to make sure I know exactly what lies ahead for me in the process. And I think I do. I know it's going to be a hard couple of weeks. But I also know there is a lot a person can endure physically, and I have the end goal in sight.
A month or so ago I came across a story as I prepared a lesson for the Young Women in my ward. I'm so glad I read it because it really helps strengthen me. This is the story:
There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." (Malachi 3:3) This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week this woman called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot--then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.
She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you.
When I asked my oncology nurse about the "pain in my neck" she confirmed that it would be highly unlikely that the cancer is back. She said I had probably just slept wrong or kinked it somehow. So my mom called her massage therapist and I have an appointment tomorrow morning. I'm sooooo looking forward to that! :)
I love this talk about Faith and Fear