Monday, November 26, 2012
Wind to my Sails....
I made it through my first R-ICE chemo. It quickly brought back some old memories (chemo brain, steroid buzz, internal shakes, etc) and was nice enough to introduce some new ones (attack of the bladder). I ended up taking some strong antibiotics and fortunately that helped right away.
I am feeling better and better every day. I have a lot of fatigue, but am able to do more and more each day. This week should be a pretty good week for me, and then I start back over on Friday for round 2.
So...the best part. The last few days I've had my family here in Salt Lake. It was so fun to see them and to cuddle with them and just be with them. I had a really hard time with the fact that I am here and they are there...because I'm their mother and I need to be with them. I had some hard moments last week before they were here, where I would look in the mirror and I felt like there was emptiness behind my eyes. Like the very essence of who I am was missing. It really hurt my heart because I just associated it with me not being the wife and mother I want/need to be, and without those things I felt empty.
I had an opportunity to spend an evening out to dinner with my husband and I told him how I felt, an he gave me the best advice. He told me to not fill myself up with the actual acts of "being a mom", (carpooling, school lunches, snack making, book reading), but to fill myself up with actually "being their Mother". And all the sudden I got it! I can be here and get done what I need to to get better, and I can still BE the mother they need. He gave the example of my mom, and how normally she wouldn't need to carpool me around, or make all my meals, or entertain me (well..she is doing that right now), but normally she would not need to. But she is still my mother. It's something bigger--better. Connected at the heart.
I had a good opportunity to have my moms friend come over and give me a blessing with Larry. In that blessing he said I would be able to fulfill all my duties as a wife and mother from afar during this process. And you know what....I believe him. It was the motivation I needed, and put a wind to my sails. Now I'm ready to take on the next step...and keep moving forward!
Thanks so, so much for all your continued thoughts & prayers! Love, Jen